Sweet Surrender + Slaying It

Aloha Mamas!  

I know it’s been a season since I’ve written to you.  We were Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory for Halloween (I was Violet Beaureguarde…. A giant blueberry who was slightly terrifying for my children…fulfilling a lifelong dream of chocolate river deliciousness), did bike rides all over town looking at the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations…. Can I just say the inflatables game has really picked up speed since looking at Christmas lights as a kid in the 80s and 90s?!, had a quiet Thanksgiving at home here on Maui, traveled around the Mainland visiting ‘ohana in the beginning of December and then were home for Christmas, New Years with all of its freshness and invitations, Chinese Lunar New Years this past week (year of the Water Tiger!), and settling into the rhythm of a New Year…. but not New Me.

I’m not into adding new things onto the list of resolutions or to-do lists this year, because I’ve landed on that kind of focusing to really be more tended towards what I don’t love or want to change about myself.  I’m instead focusing on what I want to subract or release from my life so that it’s a New Year, same me, and a version of me I’m growing to love, treasure and validate more each day.  

What if we chose to sit with the things we didn’t love about ourselves and nurture ourselves more?  The kind of soul nourishment we crave rather than spending the first few months of the new year chasing a goal or resolution out of pure goal-oriented energy and willpower which is destined to wax and wane over time.  When we cross that finish-line goal of a weight we desire, a trip we want to take, an amount of money we want to earn, house we want to buy…. It all leaves us temporarily satisfied but yet not vertically aligned with our purpose and sitting in stillness with that which truly serves us.  

So it’s New Year, Same Me for me.  A me that I’m getting to know and love more every day, a willingness to sit with all that has been a source of shame, disappointment, guilt, or what I perceived as unfinished business in the past.  To name this list it’s:

• my postpartum body and diastasis recti
• current weight
• failing my Sports Medicine Boards (and how that pivot was actually an invitation to stop measuring myself on passing this or continuing to set the professional limbo bar higher and higher… or I guess for limbo I could say lower and lower haha)
• how I will propel my medical career forward
• where I want Mama Mindset to go and how I want to serve
• being my Children’s preschool teacher and desire to continue schooling them in a way that enhances, honors and magnifies their curiosity, wonder and natural inclination to learn
• my intuition telling me that my path forward is in vulnerability in vertical alignment with my spirituality
• how this is a season of subtraction and not addition to my life
• continuing a reverence cultivate a radical compassion for my own spirit and showing myself redeeming love and grace at every moment

I didn’t feel like writing the weekly waves over the past 4 months… I had lots of inspirations and ideas pop into my head and my thoughts drifted to you Mamas many a time.  I felt and committed to surfing my own waves and tending to my own spirit.  It’s so freeing for me not to put deadlines or “shouds do’s” or convince myself that a weekly cadence of blogging and soul pouring is what I must do.  I feel in this sacred space I’m cultivating that it was important for me to do the soul work and surrender that I know will transform your life.  So, I committed to that and liberated myself to a soul filled sabbatical from social media and from the blogging space.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t force it.  I’m incredibly gifted at gutting it out, getting through it… at all costs.  I’ve done it many times willing my body to perform in grueling collegiate soccer fitness tests, 28 hour shifts in the hospital without any rest performing at a high cognitive level with little lives in the balance depending on my clinical decision making capacity…. I’ve done that and I claim it.  That version of me was so strong and empathetic and impactful and yet she was so rehearsed and polished and stoic and her inner artist and her soul longed for…. Rest.

And I’ve granted that to my inner Artist and practiced leaning into that stillness, that surrender, that vulnerability which not a learned or well oiled pathway in my neurons and body.  It has been challenging, but has also become more natural over time.  So it is with deep reverence that I write this weekly waves not for you Mamas, although I do love and cherish you… but ultimately for me.

When we show up for ourselves, Mama, this is the true transformative magnetic vibes that will uplevel your life in every way imaginable.

I didn’t write and I didn’t worry about the expectations you would have to see something pop up in your inbox. I simply allowed that limiting belief to waft away and to sit with my thoughts and dreams and directions and goals and all that I envision for Mama Mindset®.  

I am not seeking approval or metrics for “success” for the first time in….forever. And that line just made me break out in my Kristen Bell Anna voice… For the First Time in Forever…. Nothing’s in my Way!” 🎶  I’ve always measured my success in terms of tangible metrics- how fast I ran around the track, how many goals scored, games started, scores on test and medical school entrance exams, board scores, procedures logged proficiently, Residency competency metrics and even as a Board Certified Pediatrician continuing medical education credits to merit my ability to serve as a Physician.  I don’t demote the importance of any of these things.  I have pivoted into a meadow where they are not THE Most important things for me to focus on.  They don’t determine my worth or my ablility to serve and impact others.  I don’t need to cross through invisible gates of approval in terms of social media followers, patient approval ratings, board scores and other outside sources of outside approval and validation.  I can choose to be a Healer in my own version of how I want to show up as a human and creative light in this world.

This season of surrender is one every woman and Mother is invited to embark upon.  For her to find true rest for her soul which seeks approval and belonging and validation from so many external and horizontal sources.  We often look to other relationships, clubs, social media, organizations, vocational accomplishements, even how well our children are performing, and we don’t validate the true source of artistic brilliance that is woven into our very DNA.  

True rest and worth and grace and unconditional love is our default purpose in life.  We’re all chosen daughters of a God who designed us to look vertically and divinely chose us to change the world from within our very own purpose as Women, mothers, creators.   

It is in this reverent light and reawakening of my spiritual side that I’ve recommitted to my purpose and why Mama Mindset was born into the world.  Why Mama Mindset® landed in my soul and ignited my heart and changed the trajectory of my life.  

My path forward is in vulnerability and authenticity.  The illusion of perceived safety - hiding behind writing and polished emails isn’t what I’m called to do… this isn’t ultimately satisfying to me or speaking to you in a way that can be most impactful and inspirational to you.  It’s breaking down societal barriers in Motherhood and with our Inner Artists, Creative Genius Zones and invitation as soul sisters that will change the trajectory of our lives as humans and Mamas.

I recently submitted a podcast pitch as I ready to launch my Podcast.  I’m so excited about sharing raw and real thoughts and having Momversations about our Mamatuition and anything and everything that comes in the flow of unfiltered, unscripted life chats. Ya’ll, I worked hard on this pitch in a fusion of my old and new skins… the old perfectionism pitch it perfectly and follow all of the parameters for submission to “win” the game, mixed with a hybrid of the more reverent, flowing, unflitered artistic side of me that knows…. I need no approval or even mass audience to validate my message.  

Speaking to one Mama, even if that one Mama is myself is enough.  I am enough.  I am safe to rise.  I submitted this pitch to a podcast competition to find  and harvest new podcast talent and topics…. All proud of myself that I’d performed well and navigated the technological terrain involved in submitting an audio file in the format requested.  When the various podcast pitches were compiled and placed into a podcast episode for a wider audience to sample, listen and vote upon, I received email notification that my submission was out on the inter webs/ podcast nets or whatever might be the vernacular for podcasts out in the wild.  

I remember marching into our office all proud to listen to it….. I listened to approximately 0.2 seconds of it as I realized the audio file I had recorded on Garage Band was percolated every few seconds by the unmistakable and annoyingly interrupting sound of a metronome click!  I was mortified and literally ran out of the house and walked down the street barefoot in my sports bra and workout leggings.  I felt the familiar emotions of shame, embarrassment, frustration, limiting beliefs of failure and making a “mockery of myself”…. All drama I self-created of course.  In that moment of my own Maui broadway performance for 1… I just knew that ALL of the things I had worked so hard for decades to prevent from happening to me…. Surface.  

I took a deep breath and my bare feet which were burning on the hot surface of our neighborhood street marched right back home and into the real, raw and beautiful life waiting for me behind our front yard fence and that yard where so many sprinkler runs, hot sweaty days in the driveway where the furthest Pandemic travels to the Amazon occurred…. Amazon packages that is obvi, giggles playing “chase me” around the yard, swing sessions, climbing the rock wall to wave to the neighbors in our best Home Alone Wilson moments, being served gravel pies, and all the small and most sacred moments I prayed and dreamed I’d never have to miss again after working 90 hour weeks and convincing myself milestones were only met when I saw them for the first time… were occurring, right here in real time.

This life I had chosen and carved and subtracted from and released to get to was waiting for me.  It’s all imperfect, it’s all flawed.  There was nothing magical that gave me immediate peace or relief, in total honesty.   I actually spent the next few days pretending I didn’t even submit anything… because avoidance is obviously such a helpful coping topic, ha.

Then I returned to my core belief that everything is working out for my highest good?!  When I met my limiting beliefs head on…. What was the opportunity and invitation here?  How could I pivot?  How could I swerve when thrown this curve?  

What if there are no mistakes (like Master Oogway reminds us on Kung Fu Panda (a cinematic gem we’ve revisited lately)- There are no accidents) …. Only I can give myself permission to pivot into this expansive space where I can decide to view that all things in the Universe are working out for my highest good… especially the grueling trials, the embarrassing moments, the emotions that I worked hard in previous versions of me to suppress or reframe.  Letting them all out, validating them and facing them head on to see what they have for me and to release any limiting beliefs around failure is so liberating.  

And now I’m grateful for that podcast metronome garage band song that wasn’t.  Because I poured my heart into that 5 min clip, a glimpse into the soul of what the Mamatuition podcast will hold to those who desire to tune into a vibration that invites Mamas into vertical alignment with their soul and their Intuition, their superpower of their Mamatuition, and to release the horizontal approval sources of validation we are all tempted to pursue in our time as humans, and especially as Mothers.  I don’t  require winning a podcast launch competition to know that what I can voice into the podcast ethers is worthy of being listened to or a good "business” idea.

Because where I’ve landed is Mama Mindset® is not something I view as a “business” at all.  It’s a lifestyle, a choice, a reverent way of being that I am embarking upon at every moment.  It’s a global initiative of Mamas joining together.

I have cringed when people ask me how my new business is going and in the past, I’ve launched into some sort of prepared elevator speech and pitch about my vision for it and how it’s going.  The monetary parameters and ways I seek to turn it into a profitable venture still elude me.  And that’s because I don’t see it as a business at all. It’s a purpose.  It’s a spiritual coming home for me every day to show up as my raw authentic self, making mistakes, daring to “fail forward” knowing there is no failing at all except staying in a false perceived cave of safety and never launching my Big Magic contained with the ideas and humor and uniquessness that I, Anik bring to this earth.  

Rejection as redirection.  That the times of persecution and hardship, betrayal, hurt and brokenness I’ve felt and experienced are not unique to me… we are promised these storms in life.  And fortifying our faith in ourselves and coming into vertical alignment with who we are, loving and nurturing ourselves where we are, raw and in this exact moment is exactly how we are able to tap into the neutrality and unwavering source of unconditional love that keeps us oriented during trials and seasons of challenge that will come.

When I submitted to this season of surrender…. After a 1.5+  Year odyssey of the trademark process (which I look forward to speaking to, elaborating upon, sharing/illuminating) to breathe legality into the life of Mama Mindset®, I received official notification from my Trademark lawyer (a dear friend and brilliant colleague in the Visionary realm, also a collegiate soccer teammate I sweated it out with many a Miami summer and many times around the track in fitness tests with)… that the USPTO office had granted Mama Mindset it’s official mark and it is now Trademarked!  So I can ® with reverence and pride! The TM process illustrates everything about lifts and orientation toward purpose and pivoting so beautifully, and I’m so grateful for the story I have to tell as a result of this process.  

The picture you see here reflects that beautiful artistic process I had with the graphic designs artists who helped design the logos that I’ll utilize for various aspects of Mama Mindset®.  It was deeply fun collaborating and allowing my creative vision to come to life in graphic depiction.  I’m so stoked with how intentional, whimsical, powerful and inclusive the logo and branding are and the life, and reverence they convey.  It’s here for me and for you and for all of us, and I love it.  

What if you met yourself exactly where you are today, and started to tell your story…. Your real story, not the prepared one or the one where you see yourself in 6 months or 5 years… but the one where you are in this exact moment… AND you believed that not only was your story enough, and compelling, but that you were worthy and full of grace and magic and momentum and that being authentic with your right here right now self IS your path forward?  Approving of yourself— your physical body, emotions, spiritual path is the most powerful thing you can do!

That’s what I’ve been doing over here these months of soul incubation, surrender, stillness, listening in reverence.

I love writing and I’m sure I could have come on here and banged out some badass blogs.  But I was craving a self imposed sabbatical, one of solitude to really ignite and honor my spirituality and sense of self which has always risen really strong within me, but which I have at times muted at various seasons in my life.  

Without that former version of me traveling so intently down her carefully curated path forward I once outlined for myself with milestones of achievements with every increasing stakes and complexity along the way, I would not have endured this path and learned the strength that I was capable of, the empathy that illustrates why I was placed on this earth and ultimately learned to tap into my Intuition, my own Mamtuition in a strong, compelling and powerful way which now guides me, and which I no longer seek to mute or reframe… at all.

And I no longer fear rejection.  Or failure.  Or not being a “success”. I was scared of Mama Mindset to fail because I’ve never “failed” at anything I’ve poured myself into in life.  I want Mama Mindset® to fail.  Again and again.  Because this is how character is formed.  I used to tell my players as a soccer coach the one concept I had distilled down that the player in me had craved to hear all my years wearing the jersey, was the permission to be imperfect.  I’d tell them… I’ll never take you out of the game for making a mistake, this is my solemn promise to you… I don’t care if you make mistakes… I WANT you to make mistakes…. I’m looking for how you respond to those mistakes, what you do AFTER, because that reveals your character, your intensity, your resolve, your integrity.  Every time I say those words and write them now…. I know I’m coaching myself.  I’ve learned to give myself permission.  Permission slips don’t come from external sources.  At least not the 18+ soul seeking kinds.

And those words… they always wash over me like a refreshing wave and invitation to reemerge anew and ready to make mistakes, fail, get knocked down and humbled and to rise up wiser and with a strength, courage and grace full of love and promise to pivot and try something different.  3 of those players are in medical school now.. in their first year of Residency and I check in on them and see in the mirror my first year Resident self working her scrubs off here in Hawai’i, not sliding down rainbows, contrary to popular opinion.  There was the occasional surf session when I could get out there before sunset, when I got humbled and took on waves and reefs that looking back were most likely in the rather sketchy category.  I would charge those waves.… the thrill of riding down the open vertical face a rush each time.  These days, I’m more reverent with my surfing with a long board to catch the waves and feel the rush of the glide and power of water moving underneath me in my own Moana like moment taking in the landscaping, or at my happiest helping little legs stand up in front of me on the board.  I haven’t even really been out there much recently.  But I feel I will be that old lady Wahine who walks up and down her board with grace and ease to the nose…. Come out and surf with me from now until forever.  Except in Oct-Dec when the men in gray suits are out patrolling closer to shore and I know I’m in their house and I am more than happy to step aside.  

There is so much to write and convey.  Words have always come to me like fluid water from a faucet and they flow from my fingertips when I sit down to write.  I’m gifted at language and words.  I can write a compellling social media post or a super meaningful text message. My love language is no surprise…. Words of affirmation,  followed by silver medalist quality time which is also sacred time to me.  I departed from social media on a self imposed sabbatical in late September and haven’t yet returned.  I’m not announcing my departure like a flight from the airport, it always seemed peculiar to me when people announced their departure or displeasure with a various social media platform, and a bit sad that we seek and depend so much on our interactions and validations there that we feel we need to announce our departure and the ways to reach us through various other portals.  I needed to reach myself through my own portal of expression and validation.  And that came from stillness, from getting adequate sleep for the first time in decades (although this is a bit elusive still at times), from writing for the sake of writing, from forsaking claims to succeed in this business monetarily and to redefine why I was created and what the divine dream of Mama Mindset® dropped into my soul was meant to be and how it would fly.  I needed to serve and nourish myself first in order to launch this more fully with neutrality.  It’s not a big launch I have planned with a countdown and rocket boosters and the sonic booms I grew up with as a little girl in Florida in proximity to NASA of its former glory.  This launch is going to happen in the magical mundane, showing up and knowing I’m enough… even if it’s just for me.  And Mama Mindset® is for me.  Primarily it is me coming into my own as a human, visionary, artist, Mother, Physician, soul sister.  And hopefully serving or inspiring you in our global Mama community along the way.  

For me, my faith has always been a compass for my soul.  I knew since I was a 6 year old little girl in Central Florida that I wanted to be baptized and that I wanted to choose a life where I followed my faith in God and sought to distrubute unconditional and sacrificial love to others.I feel a commonality with the spirituality of many.  Religious has never been a word that has resonated with me. But spiritual, yes.  My deeply spiritual side has been more recently slathered with time to write and surrender and sit in stillness and it is from here that I’m emerging into the love letter/life chat being sent your way today.  

To digital courses and other Mama Mindset® products, podcasts and intentionally curated and infused with my own aloha I will publish and put forth into the world in the future.  May it serve you and strike a chord in your soul which challenges you to look at the self reflection pond you spend so much time trying to avoid and fill with activities to keep busy and productive.  I know because I’ve been there.  I am still there at times.

May the most impactful, powerful, loving, reverent gesture be to look at your reflection in the mirror right now today, to get to know her, validate her and love her unconditionally just as she stares back at you.  You are magnificent. You are safe to rise.  You are powerful.  You are a dreamer.  You are a visionary.  You are a creative genius.  And you are so so beloved and chosen.  I believe that so deeply and it is the true purpose of Mama Mindset®, to validate every fiber of your soul until you believe and love yourself with that superpower of radical compassion and a relentless loving pursuit that was encoded into your DNA and is available to you now.  

What can you surrender within this season of your life?!  What can you release and subtract in order to come more into vertical alignment with her, to unclutter the horizontal distractions you’ve allowed in which you now recognized don’t uplift or provide the rest for your soul that you seek?  

New Year, Same You.  New Year, Empowered you.  You are a magnetic being and attract the energy you put out into the world.  Look at what you’ve created in your children, the way you nurture, the way you endure, the way you landscape their days.  Your resilience, your integrity.  You can turn and lavish this same energy upon yourself… and when you make this conscious choice to do so and you align with your spiritual self…. Believe you are chosen and that the dreams divinely dropped into your soul are valid and imperfect and beautiful and ready… I know you will find the peace and purpose you’ve been seeking.

- Anik