My Birth Story: Cruz

Cruz Kekoa Cockroft

• Born Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019 at 3:52 PM
• Wrapped in Aloha at 8 lb 10.5 oz and 22” in length
• Honolulu, HI at Kapi’olani Hospital for Women & Children

The story of you.  The story of me.  The story of us. My awakening creatively with you as my coconut muse boiiii.  Truly, you awoke the Inner Artist in me.

This picture was postpartum in our room overlooking the beautiful old stone church Central Union and lawn in central Honolulu.  You’re smiling here (even though Pediatricians say newborns aren’t consciously smiling yet because of neurological immaturity, but c’mon look at you! Ahhhh) We’re sitting in bed cuddling.  My Cruzy.  Cruz!  It was you all along.  Cruz Kekoa.  Your name means Cross and Warrior too.  My little warrior.

And in this picture, Mommy was continuing to channel her inner warrior-ness status getting blood transfusions for post partum hemorrhage.  But it all paled (literally my face and lips were so super pale) in comparison to the peace I felt in your arrival into my arms and into our lives.

It was November something.  Probably early November, and I was hoping.  So hoping.  I had taken pregnancy tests sporadically hoping.  I took a pregnancy test.  And then I took another.  Ecstatic to find out it was you and you were there.  I’ll forever cherish the magic of standing around our tiny IKEA kitchen island with Camden, Daddy and Kai Kai gazing at that positive test, the two lines meaning the miracle of you had already been formed.  We taught Camden to say “baby”.  And she kept saying it and holding the positive test so proudly. The three of us danced (and Kai Kai pranced) in that little kitchen on Leahi Ave.  It was in the shadow of Diamond Head that we would soon close this chapter of our lives in Honolulu and welcome so much change— that growing within me in you and all of the ways our lives were pivoting.

The first 8 weeks or so of being pregnant was a prayerful and sacred time.  I held space for you in my heart and soul that you were growing just as God intended.  That my body was chosen to be the cocoon for you my growing little coconut.  Returning to Kapi’olani where I had worked the past 4+ years to have your first appointment was surreal.  Our first appt with Aunty Dr. L was delightful to see you in there as a tiny little shaka jelly bean.  Growing in the uterus where you would stay.  Playing and surfing your way through the next 9 months.

Camden was going to her little preschool, the one at the church just behind Kapi’olani where Mommy worked and where I had been planning on starting a lengthy + long-anticipated career in Pediatrics and Sports Medicine.  It was still so bizarre and yet wonderful pulling up everyday next to the hospital to take Camden and pick her up from preschool.  Having time to do that.  The luxury to do that.  I loved it so much.  Looking upon Kapi’olani with fond gratitude, and looking ahead to what lay before us.

All the possibilities, all the unknown, and YOU.  I walked with an extra spring in my step knowing you were in there growing.  It felt like the most glorious secret I got to keep.  Being Hapai is such a wonderful kind of magical for me.  I was all the time kine nauseous, but it wasn’t debilitating or anything, and I always interpreted it as a sign to remind me you were there and that my body and hormones were accommodating and nurturing you.  So it was reassuring to me in that way.

I’d only recently walked out of the hospital on a warm sunny September afternoon after having declined the job, THE JOB, that I had worked the past 8 years toward and probably more if you go further back to graduate school and premed undergrad years.  I walked out of that cold concrete stairwell and into the sun for the last time.   It was a good job on paper, little one.  It was prestigious in the eyes of many being offered to head a department right out of Fellowship.  They wanted me to run the new Urgent Care that was starting.  With my sports background, now Fellowship specialty training in Sports Medicine, Emergency Medicine interests and extensive knowledge, and Board Certified Pediatrician status plus counseling/social work background and having garnered the support and respect of colleagues over the past 4+ years working nights, days, days+nights, I had signed the contract.  Emails and meetings, more emails and meetings had ensued.  The job description kept changing.  With a new department came undesirable hours- and the ask of me was to work nights, weekends, holidays on repeat.

And I had already missed so many holidays.  Night times and putting your sister to bed- singing to her and reading to her and rocking her, and holding space in my heart that I would soon be able to do that with you.  The decision had been weighing so heavily upon my heart.  I can remember the hot and heavy silent tears falling down my face- my heart breaking looking at your peaceful sleeping sister who had just drifted off in my arms.  How could I possibly not be here for this?  What would fuel me if the reward and the trust and some of the most sacred moments I had cherished in my heart were going to be misseds, every night, with no end in sight? And I allowed myself to start entertaining deviating from the path.  A path long set before me.  One I had arduously traveled down for the last 8+ years of Medical School + Residency + Fellowship.  What if.  What. If.

My strength and resolve grew.  I courageously had conversations in concert with Daddy and we dreamed about what we wanted life to look like.  It was so freeing for me to admit to him and to myself, to drop limiting beliefs I had about what it looked like, for me, to be a Physician and Healer in the modern medical world and to open up space for what could be.  For us.  Under the expansiveness of the evening colors splashing around Diamond Head and the waning light in its golden hour spreading across the grass swaying in the breezes at Queen Kapi’olani park, I reconnected to the expansiveness and dreams in my soul.

The rebirth of me as an Artist and a Creator in the image of my Creator.  I credit you so much with that courage and that inspiration.  I felt Divinely connected in being the chosen vessel to grow and nurture you.  And I knew that I was growing too.  And nurturing myself by creating the life I wanted to live NOW, not in 5 years, in 10 years… but now was our way forward.  The things I desired were bedtimes with you two and Daddy each night, Costco trips together and getting to participate in the mundane but magical things that had eluded me for the better part of a decade due to following my chosen calling.

There wasn’t room for me to validate and connect with patients inside clinical medicine the way I desired and was Divinely designed to, or to for me to be present inside our home as a family in the way I had envisioned.  I loved serving people through medicine within those hospital halls.  But how I missed the sunshine in the early morning rays and the waning evening light, wondering if it was rainy or sunny outside.  I craved to reconnect with nature and with the compass of my soul.

And so I did.  I chose me. I chose you.  I chose us.  The energy I was allowing to resurface and rise within me saw with vivid clarity how I could choose to live out my most true and beautiful life.  With you.  With her. With Kai Kai. With Daddy.  The path that was once in my mind my “end goal” and all that I ran to pursue was decidedly not for me anymore.  I had been chasing goals for so many years.  And they were noble ones.  They tested every ounce of my strength, spirit and resolve. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I stopped chasing them.  I started chasing myself again— who I was and what I had to offer that was of value, that came organically from me.  That was my own flavor of creativity and love, abundant aloha and Healing.  One that allowed me to chase you and Camden, to pursue my love story with Daddy without constant goodbyes and  the sacrifice on our time away from one another.

It was the first time in forever that I didn’t have a concrete plan or know what it would look like.  I had the respect and admiration of my colleagues (I think, but my handsome in this life that ultimately doesn’t matter- staying true to yourself does).  I had deviated many times on that path, swallowed what I wanted for what I felt was the common goal and how I would feel when I “got to the end.”  I got there and the demands on my time and soul didn’t lessen, if anything they were heavier than ever.  And it was up to me to decide: Would I disappoint many and some of my beloved mentors, or would I disappoint myself?!

In this life, it takes massive courage to pursue your dreams.  And sometimes, my dearest boy, it takes even more massive courage to walk away from those very same dreams when they aren’t serving you anymore.  And walk away I did.  I remember having a pint of green mint chocolate chip ice cream- comforting my soul which new this was right and my fine tuned clinical brain which was unsettled.  It was a relationship I’d kept and dedicated myself to in service wholeheartedly and soulfully.  It was confusing to have ended it.  And yet the overriding emotion I felt was relief.  Clarity.  Curiosity.  Fascination I’d done it.  That I’d said “No” with such conviction and purpose and composure.

I was opening up to a blank new canvas now.   As the months (and now years) have melted on, that relief turned into gratitude.  And here in gratitude one exists in neutrality, in a place of creativity and delight.  Out of fight or flight mode which I’d lived in for so many years, turning it on to perform as perfectly as I knew how, terrified to make any mistakes with delicate lives on the line, I could turn all of that massive energy inward to my own Visionary self.  Ask Him once again to Send me, to show me how Thy Will Can Be Done in a way that honors and glorifies with the talents He has given me.

There was so much new happening.  You.  Moving.  Change.  Unknown.

The path to you was born out of my dreams.  Daddy’s dreams.  Our shared dream of growing our ‘ohana.  There were a few times we were hopeful, and God said, “Not Yet.” One was in early December 2017 before a CT scan I had to have for multiple bilateral kidney stones up and down both ureters that were discovered when I was having hematuria (blood with urine).  I first noticed it in between patients in clinic the morning I found out I passed my Pediatric Boards during Sports Medicine Fellowship at UH Manoa.    So many late night coffee shop study sessions after putting Camden to bed and a long day at work to ensure I passed that test.  I opened the email in the parking lot of Camden’s daycare, saw I passed and drove to work.

The pregnancy test was negative.  I went ahead with the scan which led to surgery for stent placement because some of the stones were so large they wouldn’t pass out of my body, and my kidneys were showing signs of stress.  I worked that Christmas as a Team Physician for the athletes covering the University of Hawai’i basketball tournament and college football bowl game at Aloha stadium with a stent in my ureter- that was fun, ha!  I can confidently say I know what it feels like to have dozens of kidney stones, pass kidneys stones and have two unmedicated childbirths.  The Urologist told me having kidney stones while pregnant is challenging for them to manage, so it was fortunate that ideally I wasn’t pregnant having undergone that and the surgery.

I was bummed as with every passing month. I knew it was in God’s timing and I could feel your soul in existence long before I ever had the honor of co-creating you, carrying and nurturing you in my body.  I went on to discover I had abnormal levels of calcium in my blood.  My mind wandered back to the mysterious appearance of so many dozens for kidney stones in my body.  Drink more water they said, you’re probably chronically dehydrated and pushing your body with the demands on you physically, mentally, intellectually.  True, I could drink more.  True, I had been in a grueling physical and mental/intellectual merry-go-round for the better part of a decade.  But I honestly was loving Fellowship and although I was consistently working 40-50 hour weeks with lots of research and studying and game coverage in the evenings, it felt like a walk in the park compared to my hospital 80+ hour weeks on repeat I’d just emerged from over the past 3+ years in the hospital.  I can remember vividly feeling like 40 hour weeks were such an easy stride and felt like part time.  That thought also mildly disturbed me, but it was my reality.

I knew how to medically advocate for myself and started doing the research.  Abnormally elevated calcium levels in the setting of kidney stones isn’t normal.  My Physician at the time wasn’t overly concerned, but I knew my body and that something was amiss.  You are the expert on your own body.  You are the expert on your child.  These are among my favorite “medical pick up lines.”  It was a difficult diagnosis.  I pushed for checking my PTH or parathyroid hormone levels.  Only if your calcium continues to be abnormal they said.  It was abnormal.  The PTH was ordered.  Wham!  I had hyperparathyroidism.  The treatment is surgery.  There is a tumor somewhere relentlessly taking calcium from bones and the body, and this had caused my kidney stones.  The cycle would continue to repeat unless addressed. I had surgery to remove what ended up being two parathyroid tumors causing the issue.  My levels were crazy high- in the thousands.

It was a blessing as we were already traveling to Florida so I could attend the AMSSM (American Medical Society for Sports Medicine) conference where I was also presented research I conducted during my Fellowship year.  It was cool stuff too- I did research on the use of complementary and alternative medicine use among Division I athletes- stuff outside the bounds of modern Western medicine and I asked them about utilizing ancient Hawaiian modalities of healing given my unique student-athlete population I got to serve.

I was so sad to stop breastfeeding your sister Camden.  I remember getting off the preop consult with my surgeon in Florida while I was in my office in the University of Manoa training room in between seeing athletes. He said to me in a very calm and concerning, compassionate tone (after calling me back actually to ask if I was breastfeeding) that it was his recommendation to stop.  That some of the most rare but severe hypocalcemic (low calcium) complications he had seen and had to readmit to the hospital were in postpartum breastfeeding Mothers.  And although it wasn’t common to have these tumors in my age group (most people are 60+ with these tumors), he was recommending this based on his extensive experience treating these tumors.  I knew and understood the medical risks and it made sense.  I was just so connected to the harmony of the breasfteeding bond, and with working continuously the first 2 years of your sister’s life, it was a space I held and a way that kept me connected to her even when I couldn’t be with her.

After the surgery was over, I asked when I could try and get pregnant.  The surgeons said it would have been a very risky surgery to undertake in a pregnant woman, and I knew it was God watching out and over me, over us, for just the right time.   I was focused on the possibility of you and manifesting your charm into our existence. I knew the answer was still not yet.  I was so happy to cuddle your sister and Daddy in that post op bed.  Camden was wearing her mermaid leggings… of course.

And now you and I are in our 22nd month of a beautiful breastfeeding bond and I cherish it every single day.

I would find out postoperatively that I had severe osteopenia/borderline osteoporosis as a result of the calcium the tumors had taken out of my bones.  This had led to high levels of calcium in my blood and thus been taxing on my kidneys to filter to the point of them forming the calcium based kidney stones.  So it wall made sense.  I took oral calcium for a few months to keep my levels up until the other 2 parathyroid glands woke up and were able to assume control of my calcium levels within normal range.  After never having surgery in my life to having 2 surgeries in my Fellowship year in a 5 month time span, I could feel my health recalibrating.  And I could feel myself giving myself permission that I mattered again.  That my health mattered. That I could and would choose to focus on myself and not just continue to ask and take relentlessly from my body and stamina in the way I had since…. forever.

I had been preparing my heart, health, soul, spirit for you all my life.  I knew the expansiveness of my heart was made to Mother you, too.

After Fellowship was pau, we went on a surf safari to the Mentawais Islands in Indonesia.  My period was late and since it had been a few months since my surgery, I was hopeful.  I actually didn’t pack any tampons for my period just believing and willing it.  As the weeks went on, I became more convinced that something wonderful could be happening.  We traveled to Osaka, Japan and then to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and onto Padang, in West Sumatra Indonesia.  Our final leg of the journey was taking a 3+ hour boat ferry to the Mentawais Islands. On the ferry boat, I started bleeding heavily.  I knew I was having a miscarriage.  It was so heavy.  Thankfully for Mommy innovation and your sister’s diapers, I managed to have a plan for the bleeding.  And it would prove exceedingly difficult to find tampons (actually never did) and so I had to settle for pads but that’s a story for another day.  I knew this was another “not yet.”  I was sad and bummed and all the feels, but also so confident in His plan for our lives.

That trip was spectacular in so many ways.  It was a metaphor for our life- adventuring outside of our comfort zone to experience new horizons, new blessings, meet new people and feel invigorated within our ‘ohana unit knowing we could face anything together.  We returned from the trip and soon it was your sister’s second birthday.  We went to Big Island- Kona Coast to celebrate. She was 2 years old!  We knew she would be the best big sistah one day. And today, it delights every fiber of my soul hearing you two laugh together.  It is everything right in my life.

Our decision to move from O’ahu.  I had lined up a job interview on Maui and it went phenomenally.  I signed another contract and we started moving all the pieces to get us over there. It was exciting and also so heavy leaving all of the friends and ‘ohana we had made on O’ahu to start a new chapter on the island of Maui.  In Hawai’i, O’ahu is the medical hub and very much the center of the island’s medical life.  I also saw the need on the “outer islands” for more Physicians and knew I could make an impact there.

Mommy pretty much had a part time job on Craigslist selling alllll the things.  I mean we sold it all.  We shipped our car and brought some bags plus car seat and stroller paraphernalia and we moved out of our little love nest at the base of Diamond Head.  It was all so surreal.

We had Christmas morning sleeping on the mattress in the living room because all of the other furniture had been sold.  I burned French toast which was some of the few remaining groceries we had in the kitchen for Christmas breakfast.  I remember the “Saturday garage sale crowd” descending upon some of our items and belongings we had strewn on our driveway that I was gearing up to pack- not sell.  The professional cleaners were at the house and we had to get everything out.  We weren’t having a garage sale.  There wasn’t even a sign.  I didn’t know this was a thing.  These people came and started carrying off things like our wedding silverware.  I lost it at that.  Selling my Pottery Barn bird plates that I loved and our silverware- Daddy said they were just things- and I knew he was right.  Clear out to make room for more memories.

I was pregnant and we were on the precipice of a major move.  I claim those emotional moments.  Your sister jumped on the mattress in the driveway —- we moved it out there and wound up giving it a way with a “free for the taking” sign.   She had a blast and reminded me of the lightness of it all.  That in it all we could play.  And dance.  And laugh.  And jump.  And so it was.  We gave all our our towels to the humane society.  Friends came and picked up a bunch of stuff from Cam’s room and toys.  People came and carried our toilet paper off.  Seriously.  I learned a lot about what happens when you put stuff in your driveway on a December Saturday morning.  We had made our last drop off runs to Goodwill.  Our car had been shipped.  We slept there one more night careful not to leave a crumb since we had already had the place cleaned.  Cam’s crib was sold, Kai Kai had been taken to the Husky Hale with his furry family, and the four of us curled up for the last time on Leahi Ave on that mattress on the floor.  The next morning the airport shuttle came early and we left for Maui.

So we landed on the Valley Isle and Maui where we would call home.  We looked at 3 houses that first morning.  And the very first house we saw is the one we live in now and would bring you home to.  Not without some snafus along the way securing and closing the house.  It was a little rough and raw when we first saw it.  But we could feel the energy around it.  We could picture space for you, Camden + Kai Kai to run and play, a little oasis. I felt like the house was ready for our life and colorful chaos, beach sand galore, and chases with Kai Kai, all of it. Our first Hale we could own together.  A place to do life together.

Since we moved around the turn of the New Year, hotels were scarce on Maui.  We used pretty much all of our Craigslist proceeds to bounce around between West Maui/Kaanapali and Kihei for 5 nights.  I know you had a front row seat to how we unloaded our bags in that hallway the first night in that condo in Kihei I found for us.  We were there just one night.  We were all exhausted.  I pretty much just opened a bag and took out whatever was on top.

We decided to put an offer in on that first Hale.  The blue one.  We could see the fence we would put around the front yard and make so many magical memories out front.  We loved the swaying palms and the openness of the living area. We could see you and Cam and Kai Kai running around and giggling, surf boards strewn on the lawn, bikes and scooters and skateboards littered on the driveway.  We put in the offer and I wrote a letter on behalf of our ‘ohana and the life we saw there.  I remember staying at The Mauian on Napili Bay and submitting the letter.  It was the same hotel we stayed at for a Pediatric conference I’d attended the previous July.  Before we ever knew we would call Maui home.

The former owners loved the letter. We were selected among several offers.  A few nights later laying in bed at the Westin Nanea where Daddy had found a deal for us (and oh man those large soaking tubs were legit), our real estate agent called and said the sellers wanted to stay in the home for an extended period as part of the sale and would add a clause.  That timeline wasn’t aligned with us since we had all of us and Kai Kai and Mommy’s job was starting in a few short months.  So we strategized and increased our offer a bit to illustrate our sincerity in pursuing the house and hoped it would work out.  We believed the right property was out there for us, and home was wherever we would all be together.

This house was 2 blocks from my work and I imagined being close enough that Daddy could bring you by so I could breastfeed you on breaks.  It sounded doable.  I was convincing myself. We saw one last property before we flew out to Washington DC for a work trip for Daddy.  We put our stuff in storage across the street from our soon to be first Hale.  It was a lot of stacking books and things that weren’t packed in boxes and playing Tetris.  I tried to repack for colder weather going through the bags we put in storage. Onto the next adventure.  Together.

I remember twirling around and admiring you and my growing belly with an ever widening grin being so enchanted with your growth.  And mine.  We were growing so much together.  We walked all around the DC mall and the wharf where we stayed (since the museums were closed because of the government shutdown). I was so enchanted with all that our life was becoming.  And the waves you were already making.

We found out we got the house!  We started navigating the escrow process from Washington DC, which was challenging.  Working with our bank on Hawai’i from the Mainland… just know you can always figures things out when motivated by love and aloha.

Then we went to Florida.  To your Grandparent’s house and where Mommy is from.  I walked out on the dock looking over home home on the lake, a forever favorite place of solace, and thanked God for this miracle of you growing within me.  We had boat rides and swam in the pool in January, because our ‘ohana is always in the water.

We had your next appointment in Florida, and with an U/S got to see you.  You waved at us.  I still have the picture and will cherish it forever.  Your little left hand just waving aloha from the womb.  Like a little see you soon, from the womb- Love, Me.  With your SONny disposition.  I had the genetic tests because I was now 36 years old and at 35 you are “AMA” or advanced maternal age.  I felt healthier and more vibrant and just the right age.  Anyway, Aunty Dr. E called me to say she knew the gender with certainty from my bloodwork and was I sure I didn’t want to find out?  I was sure.  I already knew you were all that we needed.  And everything you were meant to be.  I also learned I had placenta previa which is where the placenta partially covers the cervix and can be an issue for bleeding and an indication for a C/S if it continues closer to delivery.  There was still significant time for it to clear she said, so we hoped this would be true.

We went back to Maui in early February for a week before closing on our first Hale.  We stayed at a little condo and could walk across the street to the ocean.  It all still seemed like such a fresh new unknown, and overwhelming but in a way full of anticipation.  The first rainbow there was such a beautiful morning- I meant to write that in reverse, but I rather like it that way.  There are always signs in Creation that you’re home.  The humpback whales jumping, waves pumping, and rainbows dumping color across the sky— we knew Maui had been calling us.

Taking our first ‘ohana photo in front of our new Hale, getting to remove the For Sale sign from the front yard, and sleeping our first night there on the mattress we timed to be delivered that day by Amazon with no other furniture in the blank canvas of our  house was the beginning of our new adventure.  Just like our life. Daddy would go on to build all of the furniture we have in here, and our life would start to be reflected in intentional pieces and items we chose with care, just as I could feel that careful curation of my life and career starting to occur as well.

Your 20 week anatomy U/S went so quickly, the MFM (maternal-fetal-medicine) Physician came over from O’ahu and you cooperated for all of the window scans looking at your full anatomy, and we were in and out of there so quickly!  I never got any more U/S photos of you, and just continuing  dreaming of you and kept looking at the picture I have of you waving at us.

But this embracing the unknown,  having each other, believing, knowing His hand was in it all.  I know this energy and belief, this spiritual shift transferred to you.  It made me stronger.  It made you stronger.  It made us stronger.  My new job in Maui was also not coming to fruition the way I envisioned —serving the Native Hawaiians and all the Keiki on the island of Maui were just not feasible at the present time even though insurance contracts were pursued.  Ever the Visionary and humanitarian, your Mommy.  I felt the disconnect and tension within my body leading me away from this role too.  And I remember pacing around the pool in Florida declining this role with as much grace and grit as I could muster as well.

Things were shifting within me- quite literally with you, and also with my soul. I was growing ever more courageous and strong saying no to roles which no longer aligned with my core values so that I could say yes to my priorities in you and Camden.

And yes to the greater ask that I had been prepared for and preparing for all my life.

Our love creating more love.  It was so surreal to know you were there and on your way.  I carved out time for myself to dream during your pregnancy, to dream big of all that could await us in this life, and all the ways I could choose to show up for myself, for Daddy, for Camden, for you.  I could feel so much change occurring both within my body and within my soul.  That strength I transferred to you and you reflected back to me was so powerful.

On Maui and  throughout the course of your Hapai season and newborn life I would turn down 1-2-3-4-5-6 clinical jobs that came across my/our path.  I applied, interviewed, went through the rigorous process for all of them, and learned to evaluate each of them with the ever growing belief in myself as a Visionary, Creator, Artist… I knew the energy surging within me, sustaining you, sustaining me was pointing me in a completely new and tantalizingly terrifying direction of the Unknown.  I got stronger and more established with every “No” I delivered.  I grew stronger in my resolve to create space to dream again.  To really create something completely new.  Just as you were being created.  There was so much synergy surging through me and back to you.

All of your appointments here on Maui were a delight with Aunty Dr. A who would become one of Mommy’s dear friends.  Listening to your heartbeat at the visits was musical balm for my soul.  It was and is so beautiful.  Sometimes I get my stethoscope out listen to it now because #pediatricianmama.  My placenta previa cleared and things were moving along swimmingly in your pregnancy.

I renewed my PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) certification while very noticeably pregnant with you.  We dominated the chest compressions and intubation testing sessions.  I still remember smiling for a pic in our front yard with my scrubs on, stethoscope in place, holding Cam with her sparkle rainbow boots and diaper on my right hip and holding you out front with my rounding belly and scrub top barely keeping up, my other arm curled around you.  I loved the feeling of having two babies in my arms, it felt so fulfilling.  It felt so right.

You got to meet your beloved Aunty + Unko who were our first houseguests.  We drove over to the West side and the Maui Food + Wine Festival and got to attend a seafood night which was so ono.  Daddy and I geeked out over the fence being built and it was finished just before you would arrive.  Our neighbor Unko G wound up building it and it was and continues to be such a blessing.  We had the fence, we put out the bassinet, Camden had her little mermaid space, and we had just enough furniture to make our Hale comfy.

Speaking of swimming.  You were a water baby inside your sacred spa appointment for your whole Hapai growing season, and also with Mommy swimming basically everyday, multiple times a day.  We went to the beach.  I surfed, floated, swam, watched Daddy + Cam surf, played in the tide pools with Camden, went to the community pool, and swam/soaked in our front yard pool from Amazon in the hot summer months down the home stretch.  We had a fun rhythm of going to surf almost every day before lunchtime together, and when we really started bumping, I shifted to swimming around with the GoPro to capture footage of Daddy + Cam or snorkeling in the nearby reef.

We read tons of books to you because Mommy loves to read and loves children’s books (and is writing some of her own for you + Cam and all keiki), and we went to the library for story time and getting more books on repeat.  Cam and you did the summer reading challenge.  I was so glad of all the things I did pack from our O’ahu chapter, I had meticulously tucked each and every book we had in the back of our car when we shipped it over to Maui.  Priorities, right?!  I mean we got rid of our wedding silverware, but we kept all our books!  Books will always be treasures to me.

Beach walks and late night talks to you.  We played with giant bubbles on the beach in Lahaina for July 4th.  This was after an appointment the week before where I’d asked Aunty Dr. A to check and see if I’d dilated.  I had spent the previous weekend super uncomfortable and in super discomfort, feeling changes in my body with you, with us.  I really feel you had been breech and turned, which is wonderful.  I mean the internal gymnastics was really something, but it was your own surfer way.  Oh, and also, I was 34 weeks and dilated to 3 cm already, and well on my way to effacing and softening my cervix, I think 40% at that point.  I wondered if this meant you would come sooner since it was my second pregnancy, or if that’s just what my body does since I was dilated to 5 cm and 90% effaced working for 2 weeks on 24 hour shifts with Camden, and still not in labor.  Aunty Dr. A felt like you would come in the next few weeks.

Whoo…. It was a hot summer, and I remember having ice packs on my body and being so itchy in the external lady parts- that’s the vulva for all the anatomically correct Mamas out there.  I learned I had a yeast and also bacterial vaginosis (BV) diagnosis after bringing it up with my OB-GYN at a subsequent appointment.  The vaginal pH changes during pregnancy and can predispose for yeast which is already normally present to take over more, and make a more favorable environment for bacteria. I took some anti fungal and antibiotics to clear it all up and felt so. much. Better.  Took the call about it from Costco where I was waddling around with purpose haha.

Doctors and me as an individual and women/Mamas can be pretty talented at hiding our suffering for shame or not wanting to impose blah blah blah.  We were placed here to thrive!  We know our bodies best.  So advocate and get empowered!  Even as a Physician, I learned through both of my pregnancies and L&D experiences and through personal self-reflection work the power of claiming my innate strength, and consciously choosing not to give my power away, not anymore.  This is an ongoing path for me.  But I’m delighted I’m aware now of all the ways I formerly gave my power away so willingly, depleting my own creativity and sense of self.  It was lonely there.  And exhausting.  I’m “all pau” now as my little patients say (all pau means all finished/all done), and now Cam + Cruz say it too- with that former way of life and existing.  These days, I lean all the way into the wisdom my body holds as to whether a particular decision or choice is in alignment with my core values and future self.

On Daddy’s birthday, July 11th we went to the beach and Daddy took some super cool underwater photographs of us together with Mommy’s impressive bump and with Camden swimming along with us too.  The water was so crystal clear that day.  We swam with Kahoolawe and Molokini in the background, Lanai looking on as well.  That’s one thing I love about living on Maui is being surrounded by all the neighboring islands looking on.    It’s like comforting neighbors arising from the endless sea.

Then we went to have shave ice.  While eating it we noticed some interesting debris falling from the sky.  Daddy noted it was Ash!  Not volcanic ash, no Haleakala volcanic activity or anything- but actual fire ash!  Maui hadn’t had wild fires in quite some time, but as we looked over toward the West Maui mountains, we could see the ominous orange glow and clouds starting to swiftly move.  We drove home and by the time we pulled into our driveway, the massive imposing cloud had shifted to just over our neighborhood.  The air quality was deteriorating rapidly. I instinctively started packing a small bag for us and Kai Kai’s stuff.  The air was getting harder to breathe, the sky darker, and the Ash much heavier now.  Then came the emergency alerts to evacuate to our iPhones.

We hopped in the car and started driving toward town.  I was 36+ weeks pregnant now, dilated and reasoned it would be better to be close to the hospital in case we were displaced from home.  After an hour on the road not making much progress, they closed the only road into town and to the only hospital on Maui.  I willed myself into a deep Zen mode.  I reasoned I could manage labor and would do anything I needed to do if you decided to come.  I tried to slow my breathing and shelter you from the stress of these sudden fires.  The reports were the fire was sweeping the plains of central Maui and was not even close to containment.  We instead drove toward Wailea as far south as we could to get better air quality.  We wound up walking around the grounds of the Fairmont Kea Lani in Wailea- I reasoned that there was likely an OB-GYN or at least a Physician staying on property who could help us in the event you decided you wanted to share a birthday with Daddy.

You stayed.  We eventually got the all clear to go home.  Over the next two weeks, despite my best nesting and cleaning attempts, the winds blew a steady layer of leftover ash all over the floors and  our counters.  It was wild.  I felt so calm and at peace, and also so concerned about how we would ensure Camden had a good option if you + I went into labor before your Tutus arrived on Maui.  We didn’t have a ton of connections and support network here yet, not like we’d been built up on O’ahu.  But with each passing week, you stayed growing and getting stronger.

Aunty Dr. A was surprised you continued to bask in the surf lineup in there.  We saw Aunty Dr. T at your 39 week appointment and we discussed induction.  Meanwhile, I had also been lining up to return to O’ahu and Kapi’olani for your labor, delivery and birth if you decided that was a wave you were down to surf.  I felt after my time working as a Pediatrician in so many deliveries that the ideal place to have the most resources for you should you require them was at Kapi’olani.  I felt strongly that having every resource at your disposal would be ideal if the circumstances were to align.

So after a thorough CPR class proctored by me (on Cam’s 3 mermaid dolls, obviously) for your beloved Tutus who had come to stay with Camden + Kai Kai, many tears leaving your sister mermaid for the first time, and lots of excited anticipation, we boarded a SW flight from Maui to O’ahu at 39+2/7 week pregnant.  I can still remember the photograph I took buckling our bump on the plane.  I can still remember the silent tears that fell singing to Camden in her crib that last night before we were due to fly out.  I knew my heart would expand, it already had.

We left early on an airport shuttle the next morning courtesy of Aunty Dr. F. Once we landed in Honolulu, Aunty Dr. J picked us up and we went to Morning Glass coffee shop in Manoa for breakfast and for Daddy to take a work call.  We took an Uber to the hospital for your appointment.   At the 39 week induction prenatal appt with Aunty Dr. R who would deliver you, she said I was 6 cm dilated and 80% effaced!  We did a membrane sweep to see if that would get things going and scheduled induction for the following morning- super early!  We asked if we could be admitted to the hospital that day, 7/22/19 for your induction, but we settled on the next day, 7/23/19.  Your actual due date was 8/2/19.

I chose to induce as there are optimal maternal-fetal outcomes per well conducted evidenced based medical trials for inducing at 39 weeks.  I was torn on this decision, and a part of me desired to go on your timeline.  I also took into account my postpartum hemorrhage with your sister, and felt that inducing at 39 weeks may decrease my risk, which would be beneficial to all of us.

I was amazed at my body.  I had been slowly dilating to 6 cm over the past 6 weeks and had been preparing for you.  Preparing for you and accommodating for your exit strategy, all while enjoying you as you continued to grow, prosper and flex your surfing muscles paddling around in there.

We caught an Uber over to Kailua and spent the night at Aunty M and Unko A’s house.  I remember having a pizza party with Daddy for my “last meal” and balancing the pepperoni pizza on my belly haha- I have a pic of that as well.

I was feeling all that nervous and anxious excitement again.  The desire I had to have an unmedicated delivery again.  It was hard to go to sleep that night.  Feeling your kicks and movement was a special kind of magic.  I quite seriously looked at Daddy in hormonal nostalgia and asked him if we could make another baby one day.  He said let’s have you first!  Haha of course he was right.  It’s just a Mother’s see saw standing on the crux of getting to hold the baby she has grown and loved and felt in her arms, all while having treasured the time being one with that same baby.

Waking up super early and in the dark of Tuesday, July 23rd 2019 we drove over the Ko’olau Mountains to check in at Kapi’olani.  We stopped at a random gas station to get Daddy some snacks first.

And then we checked in.  Walked those halls that now felt so strangely intimately familiar, and yet so distant.  We checked into Room 302, I think it was.  It was a few hours before anyone came to break our water, so you surfed a little longer.  We got set up with our Bose music and turning off the fluorescent hospital lights which I don’t love so much.  Nurse M was so wonderful, and I could feel surrounded by the same energy I loved when I worked at Kapi’olani, walking (and oftentimes running) to the deliveries I was paged to in the very same halls.

The aminohook was performed by the Resident and then Aunty Dr. R who came to check on us, and I felt the gush of fluid rush out of my body and onto the floor as it had with Camden.  It would continue with the contractions to come.  She also swept my membranes again.

We talked about how if things didn’t progress with labor over the next few hours, we would need to start pitocin to help augment your labor.  I wanted to surf with you on our own waves, the organic ones coming from my body and harmonizing with you.  Cresting and falling, paddling and free falling together.  Nothing much happened after the AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) for a few hours.  I think my amniotic fluid was broken around 9 AM after checking in at 5 AM.  It was fun to watch you on the fetal monitors and hear your strong heartbeat.  With tear filled eyes, Daddy offered encouragement as the nurse hung the pitocin bag to my IV pole. Pitocin mirrors the oxytocin that Mama’s organically create in their bodies- nicknamed the love hormone.

I felt empowered that we were on our own unique timeline and in a sacred synergy with one another.  I felt compelled and aligned with honoring that, as much as my medical brain felt pulled to collaborate with the medical plan and the pitocin hanging on our IV pole.  I announced to the nurse that I was getting up to go to the bathroom.  I knew that would buy us a little more time before the pitocin was connected.  I prayed and breathed deeply into our connection, and the contractions started coming in swiftly and regularly after that!

I remember standing for a large portion of your labor, sometimes sitting on the black medicine ball.  My IV pole was behind me.  The newborn bassinet receiver I had stood at in this room so many times in scrubs and gowned up waiting for the newborn baby to arrive was in the corner of the room at about my 10 o’clock.  Daddy and the window were at about 1 o’clock.  And I stood there gaze affixed to this spot on the wall, on the partition folded up like an accordion with a singular metal nail/staple of sorts at 11 o’clock.  This was my Cruz point.  This was my little round circle on the wall that was my focal point, my home, my reminder of my Inner Knowing, of our Inner Harmony throughout it all.   

I rode all of the regular sets of waves coming in increasing crescendos of your labor. I would imaging rising the swell of a mountainous wave together and then riding it down the other side  I would smile before and then welcome each contraction as it came.  To welcome you.  This is the Mommy equivalent of rolling out the red carpet.  Literally red.

Daddy watched (in awe I like to think) the rising and falling peaks of the contractions on the monitor, growing ever higher with increased duration.  I breathed deep into those contractions.  And then had a different pattern for my recovery breaths in between.  The tightening of my uterus I knew was timed with your descent and bringing us ever closer to those first moments in your wondrous presence.

Daddy asked me if we could use the name Cruz either way.  We were so stoked on the name. I had always dreamed of the name Cruz.  I remember the first time I got the courage to float it to Daddy- we were driving on North Shore and passing Waimea Bay.  We had just passed the old white Hawaiian church and were headed toward Haleiwa town.  Cruz just flowed right out and into his heart too.  It’s Spanish for cross.  Daddy and I love the Spanish language and its musicality having gone to college and lived in Miami for 4+ years.  Many of our teammates on the baseball and soccer teams were native Spanish speakers, and I always loved listening to the excitement, spiciness and also melodic quality of the language.  And the meaning of Cross is so significant to us.  We knew you were a miracle God chose for us to parent.  That this life is about taking up the Cross that He gives us in various ways to live in the image of Jesus who loved us this much that He spread His arms as wide as they would go on the Cross.  Every time I see an image of the cross… that’s what I see.  Come to me.  I love you this much.  I believe in you.  I’m never giving up on you.  I choose you.  And this is everything I want and feel for you my boy.

Boy.  We had Camden + Kaileo (“Kai Kai”) your big sistah and bruddah do some gender guessing.  I drew boy and girl with blue and pink chalk on our concrete slab in the backyard and put doggie biscuits on both for Kai Kai.  I have to pull up the video, but I’m pretty sure he chose girl.  Camden always insisted she was getting a baby bruddah whenever she was asked.  Her top name choices for you were “hot tub” and I can’t remember the other one- but when I remember I’ll come back here and write it.

So we had some mixed signals coming from your siblings.  We loved the anticipation and waiting to find out who had been growing in there all along, and was destined for us.  Our second beloved baby.  Well third because Kai Kai will always be our FURst baby.

So the contractions grew increasingly intense and I knew we were riding the big waves together.  The big kine waves like Daddy + I had been able to watch at Waimea Bay when they called the Eddie in early 2016.  We sat on the side of the road just beyond the guard rails on Kamehameha Hwy and were mesmerized in wonder watching these legends take on nature’s most ferocious and fascinating walls of moving water.  The poster from the Eddie Aikau with all of the names of the surfers invited hangs next me as I write.  I knew then, it was time to begin pushing.

There was a beautiful and brilliant first year OB-GYN resident on the floor and they asked me to wait to push for Aunty Dr. R to come over from her office.  This was happening.  Fast.

I said, “It’s time to push.” And recommended she scrub in and get ready for the delivery. I moved from standing to the bed just as I transitioned to 10 cm.  Things were picking up speed and the sets of waves were mounting with increasing velocity and speed as we drew closer to meeting you.  Since it was getting super duper intense, and I started to feel rectal pressure - you DEFINITELY know what that feels like in an unmedicated labor scenario (and probably all labor, I just can’t speak to that as I didn’t have an epidural with you or Camden), things start to get crazy intense, primal Mama comes out, and soon I knew it was time to push.

They had paged Aunty Dr. R. To come for your delivery from her office where she was seeing other patients.  I desired for her to be there, but also felt confident that this was happening.  I started pushing + breathing into a new pattern that I imagined traveling down my body and encircling you in loving intention and then powering you a little further down and out.  You had been head down for a few weeks now, and they had confirmed your ready for launch position prior to my active labor.

I distinctly remember the ring of fire burning and checkpoint that you were in the pelvic region.  A few more waves to surf together,  few more barrels to duck dive under, preserve our breath and come out believing we would ride that last wave in party style together- with you in my arms. I pushed with all my magnificent Mommy might.  Daddy stood on the Right side of the foot of the bed, Nurse M was on the left, and Aunty Dr. L and the Resident were at the foot of the bed.  I remember the encouragement coming from them with some coaching on the pushing.

I labored from 9 AM to 3 PM approximately, and pushed from 3 PM until 3:52 PM when you were born.  I pulled you from that last wave we rode of your delivery, and you surfed your way into our hearts from that first moment.  Hearing your cry and placing your perfect little body on my chest was next level amazing. You had dark hair and were strong.

Amidst your first vocals, Daddy called out, “It’s a boy!”  I was so stoked to be a boy Mommy!  Of course it was you.  Camden had known the entire time.  She never once answered she was getting a sister.   

As I pulled you from my body, you crawled straight up to initiate our breastfeeding bond that is so sacred and continues on to this day.  Such a handsome littler surfer boy.  Daddy cut your umbilical cord and they delivered my placenta- our placenta- which had done its job.  That placental highway is some kind of miracle in utero.

You were a little jittery and so they took you to the newborn stabilizing station where I asked them to check your blood sugars, because #pediatricianmommy.  It was low at 32, so they called Aunty Dr. J to let her know.  At this point, we typically offer some formula to give a little glucose spike and get those sugars up.  I really desired to breastfeed you and believed we could bring them up organically.  You did.  We did.  And we’ve been figuring it out ever since.

Your 8 lb 10 oz was the exact same weight as your sister!  I was grateful we chose to induce your labor at 39 +2/7 weeks, as waiting could well have seen you gain another pound.    I think you would have stayed in basking until or even well past your Due Date of 8/2.  You were having fun surfing in there.  You were so handsome and beautiful from birth.

Speaking of sugars, so us Mommy’s get our blood sugars checked during pregnancy to evaluate for gestational diabetes.  This can be a dangerous condition for newborns and during pregnancy, so it’s important to screen for.  It was Easter time when I had my 1 hour OGTT- Oral glucose tolerance test.  You drink some glucose-laced water, wait an hour and compare your pre and post glucose blood levels.  You never want to “cheat” this test as it’s extremely important and diagnostically useful information.  Moms can alter their diet and lifestyle if need be.  Welllll I mayyyy have raided your sister’s Easter basket pretty hardcore that prior weekend to doing this test on a Monday morning, and I narrowly failed, so I’m sure that didn’t help.  We had been to the Kihei Kalama park Easter egg hunt, the Maui humane society Easter egg hunt, and one at church too.  Suffice to say we had scored pretty big time in the candy department.

So we also scored the 3 hour OGTT- where you drink an even more sugar-laden orange drink that most Mommies would never again choose as a mock tail, and get your sugars checked every 3 hours.  I remember studying for Sports Medicine boards and  reading practice questions and sitting for 3 hours.  It was actually kind of relaxing.  We passed every hour and our glucose levels looked pristine.  Whoo hoo! Note to future pregnant self to lay off the Easter candy perhaps a tad prior to any glucose testing (manifesting that magic should it be in the Divine plan for our ‘ohana one day).

There with you cuddled in my arms in the labor room 302 at Kapi’olani, Mommy could feel some of the same familiar symptoms I dreaded of fast heart rate and shortness of breath after your delivery.  I had some 2nd degree tearing this time, which was better than the third degree I had previously.  They felt my uterus was firming up satisfactorily and not losing too much muscular tone, which was a good sign.  We stayed in the L&D suite for a while checking my H/H levels. They had put in an extra IV just in case I would need transfusions- especially given my history with the previous delivery and post partum hemorrhage with transfusions x4 with your sister.

When I saw Daddy holding you for the first time and gazed at my two boys, I was transported to the most blissful place. I knew your big sister Camden would be so smitten with you, and I dreamed of the moment you would meet.  I have the picture on my phone and etched onto my heart.  I had to draw a little blue hula skirt on Cam because she ran out into the driveway with her birthday suit on, her whole world about to be rocked in the best way.  She had missed Mommy + Daddy after 5 days/4 nights away, and now she would be meeting her little bruddah, the one she always knew she was getting.  Daddy tipped you little Cruzy boy in your car seat with his left arm, and held big sistah Cam on his right hip.  Her curls were spilling and bouncing down her back, her and giddy face slowly spreading smile of wonder - and it was everything.  I drank in the splendor of that moment and it is magic every time I revisit it.

I had already imagined all the trouble and imaginative play you two would get into and flash forward, it’s all totally true.  You’re both always climbing and giggling and creating little corners of chaos together.  You now have your own little private game and dialogue, and you’re as happy to join in on tea parties and try on dresses as you are to play dinosaurs, airplanes or watch trash trucks.  You also are the King at chasing the trash trucks to their next intended target- marveling at how they scoop it up with the long arms and then tip the trash/opala into the big dumpster.  I love how both of you embrace it all.  I’m here for it all.

Aunty Dr. J was there to welcome you to the world as well. One of Mommy’s soulmate friends and the Pediatrician for both of my babies at birth.  What a sacred privilege for me.  I loved seeing her hold you.  And all of the Aunty’s and Unko’s that visited us and found us in our postpartum room.

And so it was.  You, Daddy & I spent 3+ days bonding and settling into a glorious lineup together.  You were a healthy eater from the start.  I remember the cluster feeds started early with you, and you preferred for Mommy to hold you than to be in the bedside bassinet.  Nurse R got me some chicken nuggets and French fries from the cafeteria late night for my first meal (and Sprite) upon request- that was oh so clutch and appreciated.  Mahalo again Nurse R.  How many times I had missed the “hot foods” grill (which closes at 2:30 AM) on night shifts I couldn’t count.  Things got busy, quickly and often I wasn’t able to make it there for “dinner” on time- so I settled for boxed cereal from the Doctor’s lounge.  A story told by many a Resident on night call.  So, it still felt like a luxury eating the hot grill items, and chicken nuggets were calling my name.  Unko L, I’m not sure if you’re still running the kitchen there, but your charisma, smile and ability to connect with people left a forever mark on my heart.  I always loved asking about your family.

Aunty M visited and brought you a gift and a stuffed blue doggy you still have as well as an “I was born at Kapi’olani” onesie.  It is very special to me, because that would be the last time we visited with her in person before she gained her own Angel Wings.  Your other Aunty M brought us our own picnic and breakfast casserole on a cart and just treated us like royals.  Aunty Dr. L brought us fresh flowers from her home and the cutest tie dye onesies and swaddle.  Unko D and Aunty B brought their flair and humor and Disney apparel.  Aunty Dr. M brought some yummy meals, and Aunty S brought her now staple since she did with Cam too— a Teddy’s Biggers Burgers meal. Ahhh.  So much love.  And food.  And Cruz cuddles.

And so it unfolded in those three beautiful days in the hospital together- including the eventual blood transfusions Mommy had to get.  It was so great to be in a double room, and be the only ‘ohana in there.  Daddy had a pull out couch and it was so whimsical gazing out over Central Union Church where Camden went to preschool.  You got your first bath in our room by Aunty Nurse R and it was so cute.  You just zenned out, just like you always do in the water.  We have been dunking you since your super early days.  At your swim lessons when you were 4 months old, the teacher submerged you and you didn’t cry which was what she wanted for the demo hahaha!  She marveled at that, but we’ve always known you to be at home in the water.

Daddy went with you to all of your newborn discharge tests like hearing and even though we didn’t have the same blood type (I’m O+ and you’re A+ like Daddy), you didn’t get too high of jaundice levels and did not require any phototherapy.  We settled into a rhythm together the three of us in those early days. You never wanted to be in your open air bassinet, you were a hungry little coconut from the very beginning.  I had called you our Maui coconut all throughout our pregnancy.  We had even taken ‘ohana photographs to announce our pregnancy with the coconuts in our backyard, and underneath the coconut palms at the beach down the street.

Mommy was super short of breath going to the hospital bathroom.  I tried to hold off on transfusions, but my hemoglobin blood levels continued trending down 8 to 7 to 6.  My OB team was faithfully checking my post partum hemorrhage, and my uterine exams were all reassuring. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without holding onto the wall, and had to sit on a stool in the shower.  Finally, I knew it was time to intervene.  Receiving transfusions carries many risks, and can also be a huge benefit when your own organic blood counts are so low.  I would transfuse patients regularly at the levels I was at, and my vital signs of low blood pressure and increased heart rate were all consistent with the worsening anemia and bleeding.

Aunty A came to take your newborn photos.  I remember the long flowing yellow flowered dress I packed to wear for your newborn pictures and also that my lips were so pale from severe anemia and my face so pale in those early days of your life.  I had lovingly packed your Nalu and Ulu Nani swaddle blankets from Aunty A and Cocomoon for your newborn photos.  You were a stunning newborn with dark hair and blueish green gray eyes.  I adored looking at your handsome little face. And always will. It was you.  And you were wrapped in aloha from the start.

We had to take a newborn discharge class (well I did) and I remember going between transfusions.  You passed the car seat fit test we do as part of routine discharge for newborns.  Again, just like your sister Camden Makaia, you got discharged before Mommy as I was being monitored for post partum hemorrhage and getting additional blood transfusions.  Mommy got 2 or 3 transfusions, I can’t remember exactly but I collaborated with my medical team with the goal to get my blood levels up prior to discharge. I made my soul and sole focus on you to nurture you and continue healing so I could be there for you in those early days.

Finally, on Friday, July 26th, we got the all clear for discharge. We selected a SW flight to return to Maui that afternoon. This was the first, only since, and longest time I’ve ever been away from your sister Camden.  I missed her so much and was ready for us all to get reunited. I also felt it was so important to carve out sacred time to welcome you and focus on your arrival, which is why those 3.5 days together were so sacred. We left straight from Kapi’olani to the airport with Aunty Dr. M. It was tight timeline, and they needed some paperwork to prove you were “fit to fly” and that you were our son (luckily Mommy’s a Pediatrician so I had all of that prepped).  Next, Daddy put me in a wheelchair and I held you and we raced through security (well not really it was a super long line) and then Daddy sprinted the entire length of the Honolulu airport to the gate that was the absolute furthest it could possibly be, and then we had to take an elevator down to it!  And….. it was clear that we made it to the gate just as the gate was closing.  We begged but missed the flight.

Mommy started crying because the thought of waiting in the airport with a newborn and all the germs for the next flight…. While I was continuing to bleed and still couldn’t really stand or move around without severe shortness of breath.  Oh, and they told us we’d have to be standby on the next flight and no promises because it was full.

So Mommy and Daddy sat in the corner of the SW terminal of the Honolulu airport, refreshing to check if we would make it out on the next flight for the next few hours while you breastfed and slept.  It was to be the first of many adventures and learning to go with the flow.

You were wearing your “Made in Hawaii” green long sleeve onesie for your first plane ride at 3 days old back home to Maui. I loved holding you up to the airplane window and seeing your tiny body ready to fly home to the life we would begin all together as an ‘ohana of 5. We did make it out on that second flight.  Your Grandfather picked us up from the airport in Maui, and we drove back to our house where you first met big sister Camden in the driveway while you were in your newborn car seat.  The miracles of our love- our love creating love.

In those early months (I’m looking now as I write this) we had carved out a special space where I would wake up for your overnight feeds.  We would go and sit in the rocking chair- the white one Daddy made for us.  I’d gaze upon your perfect little face and drink in all the moments haha pun intended just at you drank.  I started reading again.  For fun.  Not just medical textbooks and journals.  But books.  It was so thrilling and fun.  I had them all stacked up on my nightstand I moved to be out there next to the rocking chair.  My midnight snacks of choice?!  I grazed gleefully on refrigerated goldfish (could.not.get.enough.) and refrigerated delectable milk chocolate onolicious — that I’m absolutely certain Willy Wonka would have included without hesitation into his collection had he ever visited Hawai’i— Mana Kea chocolate coconut macadamia nuts in a blue bag we got from Costco.  Nevermind that 4 months postpartum, I made the transition to completely a plant-based diet, and remain on that lifestyle to this day writing to you, but I regret nothing of those late night snacks.

And you.  I always looked so forward to the overnight feeds.  The time suspended between the day before and the next day.  Together in the stillness of the night.   Cruzin’ on Cruz central time zone.  You were such a beautiful newborn, and our breastfeeding bond was and is something I’ll cherish forever.  22 months strong and counting my coconut!  Anyway, we would be up reading and rocking, singing and getting some liquid gold into your golden little body.  And this time, I had the Haaka to catch the let down on the opposite side from where you were feeding.  The Haaka or similar is a must for all newborn nursing Mamas.

Truly, I only have pumped THREE TIMES thus far in your breastfeeding journey, as all of the letdown I was able to capture, I froze in the freezer and created a huge stash.  Those times were the night before and two times on the day I flew solo to Honolulu to sit for my Sports Medicine boards.  I remember sitting in my rental car in an empty downtown Honolulu parking garage pumping and eating my soggy home-packed pita with peanut butter, honey, strawberry, + banana to the familiar hum of the pump.  I rocked the exam without any pump breaks and waltzed right outta there in my pineapple leggings and to the airport.  It was Daddy’s birthday, and you were just under a year old.

We still do have that healthy breast milk supply in the freezer.  Sometimes you have breast milk popsicles, well you and Kai Kai.  Hey, it’s the good stuff.

What if.  What if I got to be a Mama who was in all the moments with you?!  All of the early milestones.  What if I didn’t have to say goodbye and subscribe to my previously held story this fairy tale of “maternity leave” had to be over at some point.  That last limiting belief lurked around for a while.  That sometime this party would have to be over and I’d have to go back to it all. That this was the life I chose.  That I would have to place you into someone else’s arms and I would have to figure out how to deal with it.

We had toured a day care that Camden could go to and that accepted infants.  I didn’t love it.  I couldn’t picture either of you there.  I could feel the tension in my body- it just didn’t seem right.  I had a growing restlessness with finding a place that would spend so many hours with the both of you, all while I longed to hold you and nurture you, as your Mama.

I had my elevator speech all prepared when people would ask me when I was starting my job.  I could feel more and more of a disconnect from it because it all just didn’t really feel like me anymore.  I longed to practice my version of medicine, my version of Healing.  And I saw all of these jobs and opportunities as another way to yes, get to be a Physician, but within the confines of modern medicine and in a way that took me away from you, from Camden, from Daddy and that didn’t even allow me to practice in a way that felt authentically me- meeting Mamas and patients organically where they were.  I was great at practicing clinical medicine.  But still there was a growing sense that I wasn’t able to serve patients in the way I felt I was uniquely created as a human to serve.

And so the No’s kept rolling. And by your fifth month of life…. I gave the final “No” to the hospital so that I could say “Yes” to all that lay beyond clinical medicine and what I thought I always wanted.  Because I knew what I wanted was there in my arms in you, and bouncing around beside me in your big sister and smiling and believing in me at my side in Daddy and jumping and cuddling up next to me and us during our late night feeds in Kai Kai.  We would figure it out.  Those Costco date nights I dreamed of—- they were happening all right!  We would be Costco’ing from now on, and dinners out would be pizzas there (until we went plant based that is haha).  I felt richer and more sure and more at peace then ever.  Nothing was figured out.  And yet everything was so clear.

And I embraced it.  I allowed it.  I learned to say no to other things so I could say yes to my priorities.  We settled into life on Maui.  I settled into a permission that felt so delicious in my soul that being a Mommy they way I craved to be, in the moments big and small was what felt most true and beautiful for me in this chapter of my life.  That I could release all the limiting beliefs I carried around with me, the stories I told myself.  I had a banner (like the ones you see those planes having advertisements trailing behind them with) in my mind that read something like: “You have to pay off your student loans before you can live the life of your dreams.  You have to work 5 years as an Attending to become an established and reputable Physician before pivoting to your own creative schemes.  You owe it to those who trained you and to medicine to continue serving in the clinical sphere.”  These weighty thoughts I carried with me, tucked deep in my heart and soul.  And I could feel these whispers growing louder in my pregnancy and postpartum- “Party’s almost over— time to get back to the grind!” They’d say.  What if I didn’t?!  This was a much quieter whisper, but growing stronger, especially because I was growing more courageous to listen to the stillness, to believe I could and would always be my own flavor of a Healer.  I could allow all of that.  I could serve in ways that felt congruent with my inner compass.  What if I got to be in all these moments with my baby?!

I would change nothing about the adversity, challenges, and trauma that I’ve been through in my life.  We all have faced those elements to varying degrees.  Those experiences have shaped me, molded me, broken me even, so I could come back together in a new way.  And that’s what this space is here: that has been born out of my experiences as a Healer, a Physician, a Mama, my beautiful births, the surrender to the sacred, and the trauma contained in them and in the postpartum period as well. You helped me embrace this path my dear boy and lean into serving Mamas and babies everywhere, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

Your blonde curls, laugh and the eternal SONshine in your smile you save only for me lights up my soul.  Your wiggly chunky little legs and body. Your green eyes look at me with a love so pure and do deep, so transcending and full of joy.  They communicate your trust in me, the peace you feel in my arms.  Your one sided dimple on the right captivates my heart and I melt each time your infectious giggle pierces the air and your chubby cheeks bounce in harmonious agreement to your silly sense of humor.

You are everything I could have dreamed in soul surfer.  I love you little coconut surfer boy.  It’s so fun revisiting these moments of your birth and your initial splash into our lives forever.

Your curiosity for life, how you bring me bugs, your dance moves holding your arm out and twirling, your willingness to try it all from diapers full of sand to surfing, your sisters hula dresses and jewelry to cuddling with Kai Kai.  You’re here for it all.  You’re full go on embracing life and harnessing that energy and watching you claim your charisma for every waking minute of your day (and night) is pure delight, my boy.

I’ll end this with what I sing to you every night.  You inspired these words and recently you’ve been chiming in on certain words and your Cruzy chorus is everything.

Dream on my Son.  Live each day with the wild spirit that is so strong in you.  With the gentleness of your soul and how you harmonize with nature around you.

My Bug.  Buzz.  Buzzy.  Cruz.  Kekoa.  Cruzy boiiii. My Coconut.  It’s always been you.  Cruz Kekoa Cockroft.

You inspired these words from the moment I knew you would surf your way here until the one you rode those last few big waves into my arms.

Cruz Kekoa Lullaby

Cruz Kekoa Cockroft

My little coconut,

You surfed your way into our hearts

Right from the very start.

God sent a little surer boy,

You rode the waves of joy!

 Your name means cross and warrior too,

Let’s surf the ocean blue.

One hot July afternoon,

Your voice sang a new tune.

You came into our lives,

And made us an ‘ohana of 5- Cruz Kekoa we love you!

So let’s surf another day my forever SONshine,

Mommy